Lifestyle | The Art of Letting go ~ Toxic Friendships

Any type of change can be difficult to cope with and letting go of things or people is a change which I find the hardest of all especially when it's cutting off a person you have so many memories with.

Toxic Friends

As I've said multiple times on this blog,  I believe that friendship is one of the most important contracts you'll ever commit to in your life. The fact that you've decided to give your ear, shoulder and time to another person is a huge decision and whether it's a friendship or a relationship it shouldn't be made half-heartedly. Although, with this said, I think it's also important to know when you're being taken advantage of, when someone has simply changed and when your bond has loosened causing you to drift apart over time. It's easier said than done... how do you get over a toxic friendship and let burnt out relationships go?

I had the most fantastic friend when I was at university, she got me through first year by ensuring I was okay, making sure I joined in sociably and even contacting my mum when she thought I was isolating myself. Neither of us were overly popular and we were quite content with each others company, with the odd addition of another every now and then. We lived together and were on the same course so we really did live in each others pockets for the majority of the year. 

Fast forward to year two of uni and I began to become my own person a bit more and I knew what I did and didn't like to do e.g. no to big nights out, yes to movie nights in.. that kind of thing. That's also the time where I met my boyfriend. My time was now not all hers and I could feel a snag in our friendship instantaneously. She wasn't overly keen on my boyfriend and made it apparent and when she got a boyfriend, soon after, I didn't like the stories she'd tell me about how he'd talk about her appearance etc and didn't really have the maturity to know how to go about it. So I decided distancing myself from her would be the best coping mechanism.

We actually lived together for all three years of university and I do believe we both wanted to go back to the way we were in year one but knew we'd never have that kind of friendship again. By the end of year three we had stopped talking to each other altogether, which is actually quite a skill to be honest as we lived together, did the same journey to uni, were sat in the same classroom etc.

It took me about a year after graduating before I properly got over this friendship loss, which I know sounds pretty silly and dramatic but when you take friendship as seriously as I do and really pour all of your self into it it's hard to come to terms with never being able to speak to that person again. I truly believe losing a friend can be just as painful as breaking up with a boyfriend.

I started my first job after uni in a shop in Covent Garden and one day before a shift something just clicked, I needed some sort of closure to the friendship so I could move on. I no longer missed her, I had started to make new friends through work, people a lot more like me with the same interests etc and when I really thought about it I knew in any other settings we'd have a. probably have never met and b. wouldn't have been friends.

I decided to write a letter and send it over Facebook, basically explaining how I felt, letting her know how grateful I was for her at uni and how she really helped me, I let her know that if she did want to talk then I'd still be here to listen but basically left it that we'd parted ways. Writing it was incredibly painful and brought up lots of memories but as soon as I clicked 'send' a huge relief rushed over me. I got rid of the guilt that I hadn't kept my end of the friendship bargain and realised that you're allowed to out grow friendships, you'll also allowed to have less meaningful friendships which suit the time and place you are in your life.

I hope if you're going through something like this that this post helped you know that you're not alone and that sometimes having a clean break from a friendship, rather than just drifting and going quiet can help you move on.