Lifestyle | It's time to tell my story of being bullied x Smith Webb

*It's a long one but it's worth it*

Labelling people seems to be the hip thing at the moment. Everywhere you turn someone has been diagnosed with another name, they've been branded into a group of people. Perhaps to excuse their low grades, issues with concentrating or their villainous ways, or maybe they actually aren't quite perfect, in the medical sense of the word, and they need help.

Anxiety is now a household name, kind of like Katie Price.

Embarrassingly enough when I read bloggers etc writing about their severe anxiety I didn't quite buy into it. Probably because of the strangeness that someone so stressed and nervous was able to tell the world about it and how fashionable and 'common' it was becoming. I wasn't educated in any mental health illnesses, nor did I actually know that I was suffering from one.

When I was younger I'd pack my suitcase for a holiday and before it was even zipped up I was asking when will we be going swimming? I'm not actually that great of a swimmer, swimming in the sea fills me with thoughts of sharks and the stress of choosing swimwear which I deem appropriate and flattering is a chore. However, jumping into the pool with my snorkels at the ready I felt confident and happy to approach anyone and make holiday friends for life. Honestly, I'd jump in solo and climb up those metal steps with my new bestie. Then for the rest of the holiday I'd constantly be on the lookout for them, which actually proved to be rather difficult as they always looked very different once glammed up for the evening entertainment!

For most of my schooling I was lonely, no wrong word, I was isolated.

My first experience of being bullied was in my second school (age 7) , there was a group of girls I was initially friends with, I even to this day remember going to one of their houses and the girls mum teaching me how you coat your nails once with three stroke of the brush, then allow it to dry before doing a second coat. This same women accused me of touching her daughter: an untrue rumour which quickly circulated around the other mothers and simultaneously left me alone in the playground. I don't know how my mum heard about it, if it was me telling her or other mothers complaining to her but she asked me if it was true and knowing when I was fibbing and not she knew I hadn't done a thing. I will now point out that my mum is not the type that thinks the sun shines from my behind and that I am always right! I have been told that my mum tried to sort out the issue by talking to the Headmistress but she wasn't interested in the slightest, one term into my second year at the school my mum took me out and put me into a new school. It was once I had started this new school that we found out that the mother who spread the rumours admitted that she made the entire story up.

Fast forward 7 years and I am off to Summer Camp and that group of girls are there too. They point at me and whisper to their friends and intentionally make me feel uncomfortable. The fact that it was admitted that I didn't do a thing and they still felt the need to be nasty to me so many years on taught me that people don't change and do me wrong once, do me wrong forever became my motto for life.

I think that's where my sparkle began to dim and instead of jumping into the pool I was sat on the deckchair under my towel over-thinking what the other children would think of how I looked in my swimsuit, panicking over the fact that I'd have to go and order my own drink and worrying about walking across a room because I could trip and embarrass myself.

I kind of blanked the next school I went to, I remember it being the school where I discovered my naughty side and I became stubborn and argumentative with the teachers but nothing too extreme!

I then moved again to another all girls school and I was there for 5 years which is the longest I've ever been in a place of education. When I joined, I loved it! There was a wonderful caring Headmistress and I managed to make friends quickly and I also ruddy loved the uniform! When it came to the end of year 6 my friends left and moved to new schools and we had a few new girls join, one of whom completely ruined everything.

One of the things that gets me is if I go to the root of the problem I see myself. I befriended this girl, she was different to the others in my class, a bit boyish with a big build and she wasn't conventionally pretty. I felt sorry for her as the others in my class didn't bother with her so I decided to show her around and give her some company. She was fine for a bit and she came to my house and vice versa, she even got invited to my birthday party and I'm sure we all know how big a deal that was in school.

Suddenly she turned. she said nasty things and used her rugby build to intimidate me. She was sly, manipulative and unfortunately not as clever as she told everyone she was as she made the number one mistake of being mean to me in front of my mum. As things escalated, my mum would drive me to school and physically have to take me into school crying and screaming, so my parents went in to speak to the new Headmistress.

'The girl feels like she has to walk on egg shells around Sophie, Sophie is too sensitive'

She managed to turn my very small year group of 11 people against me, I think through fear. If she was bullying me, she wasn't bullying them. The human instinct of survival in all of its glory.

I love books, getting stuck into someone else's world, falling in love with characters and silently killing others off. In year 9 I read 'Pride and Prejudice; by my all time babe, Jane Austen. I'd never felt so moved by a book, it covers your average topics of love, money and marriage but in such a beautiful and witty way. It also made me have incredibly high expectations of men and I now assume every snob is redonkulously rich, struggling from a terrible past, will explain this all to me in a handwritten letter and then shall be a pure delight after I take a turn around the garden. I actually collect Pride and Prejudice, I own around 100 - 200 editions.

This school had a tiny library, about the size of my room, that's not overly helpful to those of you who haven't seen my room and actually my room is not tiny, but for it to be a library it wouldn't hold an extensive amount of books. There was this one tutor who believed me and empathised with me, to this day she still sends me letters and of course I had my parents support (and I'd like to take this time to say how appreciative I am of both my parents and brother for always being on my side by sticking up for me and having to take my mood swings and sadness) but I can honestly say without having a person who had no biased opinions of me and no need to 'take my side' I don't think I'd be the person I am today and she allowed me to stay indoors in the library at lunch break.

One day I was there alone, as normal, sorting the library cards and the bully came in. I can't remember what she said but I remember her getting close and clenching her fists as she got angrier. I remember shouting at her to move. I remember panicking, getting a lump in my throat and when I could I ran out. The adjacent classroom door was propped open. Sat by the desk was my Spanish teacher, she just looked at me, I was red faced with tears streaming, then she went back to her marking. I'll never be able to get her face out of my head, she could have helped me and chose to do nothing. I felt unwanted, useless and pointless, I wasn't worth helping.

I've never had a problem with libraries. However, small spaces and people who watch and do nothing, I can't stand them.

I left that school just before GCSE's, honestly how I even passed my exams with moving around so much and missing chunks of the curriculum here there and everywhere is beyond me! I went to the next school for 2 years and it's my favourite education experience! I went from having no self esteem, not being able to order my own meal without having a panic attack and literally having no friends to people actually wanting to chat with me!

At this school I met my person, I think everyone needs their person. A best friend you can spill your guts to, you can go from talking about your blemishes to deep heart-to-hearts about what you'd do if the world ended right there. We met in GCSE Textiles class as I plonked myself in the seat next to her and we bonded over the fact that we both chose the topic of flowers for our project. From that lesson we became inseparable, a package holiday, if you saw me you knew who would be walking through the door next. Our Chemistry teacher regularly got us mixed up and always put my first name with her last name and vice versa. Our Textiles teacher dreaded us as she was convinced our continuous giggling was aimed at her and the fact we both once fell into the cupboard filled with fabric etc probably didn't help either. I was very lazy with work as I was positive I wouldn't do well, she worked incredibly hard which inspired me to do some revision!

I had only ever dreamt of having my own best friend and actually typing this makes me think of all the amazing memories we've had together, the growing up we've gone through and the chats we've had, I feel rather teary eyed and thankful that I am lucky to understand the meaning of friendship and how important a contract it is. She helped me come out of a dark and lonely place and made me feel worthy, important and loved and for that I'll be eternally grateful and always be there for her. 

The road to recovery has been long and tiresome, I know I'll never be that confident girl again and I'll always be wary around people, expecting the worst, but perhaps that will serve to protect me in the long run! I went to a child psychologist whilst at school and then I didn't see anyone professional again until I was 22. It got to the point where I had let so many feelings and thoughts build up inside of me that it was beginning to affect my mood again and my anxiety was kicking in. I was diagnosed with PTSD, which is normal for adults who were bullied or abused in their childhood and hearing that what I was feeling was expected and not 'weird' was comforting and has actually helped me. 

As Beat Bullying and Mental Health is incredibly close to my heart I am all for giving back to help others who are suffering. Be that just by helping people I know with their problems, or when I was an online mentor at BeatBullying Charity for children under 18 who were bullied or by giving money to charity. Which is why I love the company Smith Webb and everything they stand for, it's an ethical and stylish brand which creates lovely designs which support mental health and anti-bullying charities.

This particular T-Shirt was designed to support The Diana Award and their Anti-Bullying campaign but they also support;

Anti-Bullying Pro

VetLife

Anna Freud

Cancer Research

CALM

Mind

Cocoon Family Support

If you're being quiet about how you feel get help, I can't lie and promise you a miracle and that you'll come out of the Doctors happy as Larry but my gosh does it help to know you're allowed to feel like you do and you can learn to live a happier life. If you take anything from this probably over-sharing post it's to stand up to bullies. It may seem like nothing when you walk past a class mate/ colleague or stranger being kicked/ shouted at or isolated but they then live with those scars and memories for the rest of their life and the words and faces haunt them. 

YOU can make a difference. In a world where you can choose to be anything, be kind. 

KEEP SMILING